i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
