I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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