You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
