im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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