Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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