I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
love makes seman taste better
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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