He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
