they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i came on her dog
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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