Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
we should paint friendship bongs
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