he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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