I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm at about main and main street
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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