Screwed.edu
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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