She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
