He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
