Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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