Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
