dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
