Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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