I have demons in me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
