Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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