Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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