Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
