I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
