Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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