My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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