fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
