My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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