We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i think i just lost a toe
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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