I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
