You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
