I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
