I faked an abortion last night.
there was a trapeze. enough said
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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