Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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