He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
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In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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