Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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