...so i touched it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
