is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
