quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
