I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
