Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
