There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
