Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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