Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
