The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
