Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't deserve a penis
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
