you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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