I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
