Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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