Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
