So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We need to get me chipped asap
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
