So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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