i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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