I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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