I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
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I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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