She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
