We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
